Unexpected Turns in Life

I got comfortable. I was finally starting to feel like myself again—a new, better version of myself, but still me. I got comfortable.

At the beginning of January, I had my routine three-month follow-up scans. I was also due for my brain MRI in February, so we scheduled that as well. My results always hit my medical chart before I see my oncologist, Dr. Blau. As usual, my CT results came back quickly, but there were

a few concerns—my liver and my sacrum. Dr. Blau ordered an MRI for my liver. I’ve had issues with my liver since I started chemo in 2018, so we weren’t sure what to make of it just yet.

The MRI results confirmed the concerns from the CT, my liver and sacrum were more than likely cancer metastasis. So off I went for two biopsies. The procedures went smoothly, and a few days later, the results appeared in my health chart. Liver and sacrum—both cancer… again. I am so tired of hearing those words.

But it’s okay. Dr. Blau will have a plan, I trust her fully! I have my appointment with her, and I feel better. I trust her. She is the most knowledgeable person I’ve ever met. Her plans always reassure me. I feel safe with her.

In the meantime, I have my brain MRI, then on Friday, I have a follow-up appointment with Dr. Blau to go over the biopsy results. I come prepared. I’ve already seen my results. My questions are ready. We start the call, and she explains what the biopsy results mean. Then she says something that shatters me: "I'm sure you've seen your brain MRI results too?"

No, I had not. It had only been 24 hours. I don’t know why I hadn’t looked. Normally, I check my chart every hour until the results come in. But this time—for the first time ever—I didn’t look.

"There are two spots on your brain," she says.

I don’t know what she says next. On my brain? I can’t process it. How? Why? Is she sure? My brain? This can’t be happening. Liver, sacrum, and brain—all within three months? I can’t breathe. I can’t think. I answer her questions, but I don’t remember what was said.

She explains that we’ll focus on the brain first—the other two spots can wait. She tells me my radiologist will contact me on Monday. They’ll talk over the weekend and come up with a plan.

But… my brain? Are you kidding me? What does this mean? Where do I even go from here?

That weekend was the longest of my life. Wondering how to tell my boys and my family. Trying not to think about the future until I know what the plan is. I kept myself busy, but of course, I couldn’t get it off my mind.

Monday came. I met with the radiologist, Dr. Sanders—who I really like and trust. He did my original radiation in 2018. He explained that the radiologist who read my scans pointed out four spots. Two are so tiny that we’re just going to watch them. The other two, between 2–6mm, need to be treated. My appointment to make my "helmet" and start the process was scheduled for the next day. Radiation starts Tuesday, March 4th. Oh joy.

I felt a little better after talking to him and knowing there was a plan, but I still couldn’t breathe right. I’ll have 10 rounds of radiation and follow-up scans in a few months. Chemo is on hold until they find one that will work with radiation. Maybe I’ll be able to breathe after the follow-up scans?

Not knowing how my body will react to radiation and a new chemo is daunting. Knowing that my body is failing me… sucks. I always try to stay positive, but this has been rough.

Cancer has changed my world—for the better, in some ways. I see beauty in the world differently than most people do now. And I appreciate that part of this journey, but this current part, is challenging.

I just can’t wait until the world looks beautiful to me again. And I know it will.